Why We Don't Follow our Intuition

Just Because I love a cute baby pic!

This topic has been on my mind alot lately. While at the park the other day I was talking with another Mom who is also Pregnant. She chooses to birth naturally but in a hospital. She has been very curious about my decision to do Homebirths and has asked me many questions. While we were talking the other day she said "Do you ever wonder why we are the way are, I mean why do I feel the need to be in a hospital?" I was caught off guard and not sure what to say especially because I could relate but in the opposite way, I feel the need to be at home. But I really liked her question, "Why are we the way we are"? Why do I feel such a strong need to be at home and she feels the need to be at a hospital. My mind started going in so many directions and of course it brought me to the topic of intuition. I of course feel like alot of decisions coupled with research, prayer and education should be based on intuition. But how many of us are actually using our intuition to make decisions and what is preventing us from using it. Is it our intuition or someting else that causes us to be the way we are, and if it is something else, what causes us to go against it? After alot of pondering I decided that there are two main things that cause us to go against our intuition, fear and our own lack of taking responsibility for our actions.

Now I do not mean to imply that this Mom at the park is choosing to birth at a hospital based on societal fear, she may very well be choosing to birth in a hospital based on instinctual fear, which I DO think is very important to listen to. But that is the important question we must ask ourselves when making parenting decisions, are we following our own instinctual fears to keep our children safe, and happy or are we following fears that society has put on us? Are we the way we are because of Societal or Instinctual fears? Are we the way we are are because we are following our intution or becasue we are following a path that society thinks we should follow?

Let me explain, now I don't think fear is always bad, I fear my stove when it is on because I don't want to get burned, I would consider that an instinctual fear, which I think is a good thing. I know that if I touch the stove when it is hot I will get burned, I am grateful for that fear, but societal fear, now that is fear that I think can be harmful instead of helpful. So often as Mom's we are trying to do the best for our kids, but we also get caught up in the Mommy wars, we don't want others to judge our decisions. While discussing this topic with my SIL she brought up a societal fear that she sees often as a mother, her friends choosing not to discipline (or correct) their children, not based on what they probably think they should do but based on what they think Society thinks they should do. They have fear that they will be judged and choose to ignore their parenting instintcs and instead allow fear from society to govern their choices and their parenting.

I think too often we as Mom's (my self included) are following society based fears. We hear horror stories and we can become immobilized by those fears. Stories are helpful to teach us about different situations, but not helpful when we allow them to make our decisions. I would never want my happy Homebirth story of E to be the only reason a mother decides on a homebirth, just the same way I would never want a single bad homebirth story be the reason a mother decides to birth in a hospital. We should be reading, researching and listening to ourselves, our intution and then making our choices. Am I the way I am because of Societal or Instinctual fears?

The second reason I have found for lack of following our intution is that we live in a society of blame. Now this may come across as harsh but I think we have a hard time taking responsibility for our actions. It is alot easier to say "My Pediatrician told me to do this for my son, I wasn't sure about it but I just followed what they said." Too often I hear comments like that from Mom's. They arn't owning their choices. If their child gets sick, or doesn't pass a test, it is someone else's fault. Which I admit sometimes is alot easier to deal with at least on our own self-esteem level! But at the end it really hinders us from making the best choices for children, it prevents us from following our intuition. The decision your Pediatrician makes for another child is not necessarily the best decision for your child. While it can be scary making decisions that don't follow the societal norm, it is important that we do it, it is important that we follow our intuition and make decisions that are best for our families. How scary it would be if we allowed Society to dictate all of our choices but we keep allowing societal fears to make our decisions instead of our intuition, that is what is going to happen.

So what do you think? Is there a problem among your friends of not following their intuition and do you think these two reasons are to blame?

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Following your Intuition when it might take awhile to see the Results

My Little Explorer!

I love my motherly intuition and I love that I have learned to use it and respect it over the past two years, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t still times that I question it or worry whether or not I am interpreting it correctly.  I am sure I am not alone in this worry, as Mom’s we want what is best for our kids but it also means having patience as we watch them grow and develop. (I should tell you now that Patience is not my strong suit!)

The two things that I struggle with are E’s sleeping and E’s independence. Overall I feel confident about the path we are choosing, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t times that I question our path or that we don’t make little tweaks and changes along the way. As I have wrote about in a prior post E is what I like to call my cautious child. At 2 he has Never crawled out of his crib, 90% of the time waits for me to cross the street, rarely runs away, usually waits for a hand to hold or even arms to carry him before he walks down stairs. E is going to make sure EVERYthing is safe before he ventures out, while for the most part I am grateful that we have yet to visit the ER due to an attempt at jumping off the table his caution for things has also caused his Dad and I to question our parenting.

If we take E out anywhere, 98% of the time he wants to be carried as soon as we walk out the front door, or as soon as we get out of the car at our destination. He has strong reservations about what might be lurking around the corner. Often times after a few minutes of carrying him we can coax him into getting down and exploring his surroundings, sometimes it takes longer, but usually he eventually warms up to the space we are in and will get down and explore. We have tried telling him that we can’t pick him up or encouraging him to walk on his own right away which occasionally works but more often than not it just makes him more upset and more bothered by the situation he is in. My motherly instinct tells me to encourage him to walk right away on his own, but if I can tell that he is quickly agitated to pick him up (not push him into a situation), try and make him comfortable and then try again in a few minutes to set him down. For the most part this has been working but depending on the situation it can take anywhere from 2-3 minutes to 20 minutes to get him to walk on his own. There are days that I worry that I am coddling him or stifling his independence but for the most part I feel that I am respecting his learning curve and his situation, I am trying to parent to his specific needs. Unfortunately it may be years before I know if this was the right path. Is he going to gain the confidence and independence he needs to be able to go somewhere on his own without me, I am pretty sure the answer is yes but I hate those days that I question.

The discussion of sleep will be Part 2. Stay tuned.

The Experts Vs. Intuition

Oh I love a Sleepy little baby!

I have read alot of books, blog posts, news articles, etc. when it comes to childbirth, breastfeeding and parenting and if there is one overwhelming thing I have learned it is that everyone has a different opinon and often even has different research to back them up. If you read one side of the coin it says one thing and the other side says the complete opposite. This is where my intuition has been invaluable. This is where I disclose things that experts would disagree with but worked for me. I am not saying that I haven't worried or been uneasy but I always ask myself if I truly am confident in my decision and when I can say yes, I run with it!

Tummy Sleep- When my son was about 2 months I couldn't get him to sleep for any longer then 10 mins. by himself, but if laid on his tummy he would sleep for an hour. I know all of the expert opinions on this, I know that if I wore him in a sling he would sleep well or that maybe he shouldn't be in that deep of sleep, but I knew that he needed sleep and I needed space. We were already Breastfeeding and co-sleeping at night so for me I needed a little space at nap time. So I let him sleep on his tummy on our couch with me always staying in the same room. I knew that he was ok because with everything that I knew about sleeping and SIDS I still felt comfortable to watch him sleep like this.

Vaccinations- I know this is a touchy subject, so I don't plan to dive into it but there is one thing I have learned is that my intuition was needed to make Vaccine choices. I read alot before E was born and can I say, overload! I finally read Dr. Sear's Vaccine book and I loved that he said that NO ONE is unbiased about Vaccines, you are either in some way or another pro or against. I decided that overall Vaccines were necessary but that the rate at which they are given to children made me uneasy. I have not seen any direct research that links to the number given at one time as causing many adverse effects, but my intuition told me that sticking my son with multiple chemicals all at once wasn't right for him and while I understand the CDC's reasoning to get as many kids vaccinated with all of the shots, it just didn't work for us. So with that said E is on a delayed/selective schedule for his vaccinations and while I have some info to back it up overall my reasoning is that it just felt right to do it that way!

No Peanut Butter till he was 2- I first heard this rule before I was even pregnant and let me tell you I thought it was pretty stupid, especially because I LOVE peanut butter and couldn't imagine my child waiting for 2 WHOLE years to taste the delicious stuff. But Emmett hit a year and I just didn't feel right giving it to him, but I just couldn't put my finger on why so I just held off. At 18 months we discovered he was allergic to black beans! What child is allergic to black beans?! So I decided that since black beans were a legume and so are peanuts I would officially hold off till 2 Years. Well 2 years hit and he tried it, not a single problem which I am truly grateful for but I wonder if I had not waited if it would had been an issue, who knows. But at the end of the day I just listened to my intution and I am glad I did. I could go on and I am sure at some point that I will but this is a good starting off point of things that I have done to follow my intuition and in each case am glad that I did.

Just another day of finding my intuition

What Happy Baby! I should preface this post by saying that I do not believe in the CIO (Cry it Out) Method. And for me that means that I have never let my son E cry for more than 5 minutes. He has always been a very easy going child so I trust him that when he needs something, he will let me know and I don't ever want to ignore him or let him think that I don't care. In our church when kids turn 18 months they go into the Nursery. My son went just fine the first Sunday but the following Sunday, he was not interested and began to cry when we dropped him, I agreed to let him "figure it out" for a few minutes but after that, if he was still uncomfortable I would go in with him. Well he wasn't so either my husband or I ended up sitting in the class with him. After a couple weeks of this I decided that Nursery wasn't necessary and if he didn't want to go, no problem he could stay with us but my husband really wanted him to go because he thought he would enjoy it, once he got used to it. We talked it over with many people and the overwhelming opinion was that he just needed to cry it out and deal with it. But that just didn't set right with me. How could I let him Cry it Out with strangers if I didn't even do that at home. I have always called E my cautious child, he needs time to make sure things are ok. He is not going to head right into a situation unless he knows that everything is safe and secure, as long as I give him that reassurance he is good to go. So after much consideration I told my husband that we needed to take him to nursery and not even attempt to leave and just stay with him the whole time for 2-3 weeks, reassuring him that it is fun to be their and allow him to interact with the other leaders with us watching him and reassuring him that it is safe. Many people disagreed and thought I would be in their for months and never be able to leave, but I know my boy. After 3 weeks we went to drop him off and he went right to the nursery leader without a single tear. He knew that she was safe and that he was safe and that we would be back. Once again I was grateful that I trusted my son and his needs and trusted my own intuition.

Why I Started the Blog

When I was pregnant with my son I felt like my pregnancy, especially the first trimester, was racked with lots of anxiety and fear, namely the fear of miscarriage. This fear was mostly due to the fact that two months before becoming pregnant with my son I did experience a miscarriage. Like many women who have experienced a pregnancy loss I had lost my "Pregnancy Innocence." During this second pregnancy I often found it hard to hone in on my own instincts about what was right and whether or not something was wrong. I often heard mothers say, you will know when something is wrong, but I couldn't relate. I felt racked with anxiety and fear. I found that I was prohibiting myself from trusting my own womanly instincts, my new motherly instincts. I had made several decisions that I felt comfortable with. I had decided to birth all naturally and also decided that I was going to have my son at home. I had no fears about childbirth but the pregnancy I just couldn't stop second guessing if everything was ok.
After my son was born I felt amazingly connected and knew that I was the one that he needed to protect and guide him. His first two weeks of life were pretty uneventful. He did have a hard time breastfeeding and latching on but other than that he was extremely happy and healthy. At two weeks my midwife came and weighed him and discovered that while he was gaining weight he had not regained his birth weight. My Midwife is required by law to refer me to my son's pediatrician. She also referred me to a local lactation consultant (LC). My midwife was quite concerned, which naturally I think would make most new mothers concerned especially a first time mom, but I was not. I agreed to go to the LC and to set up an appointment with his pediatrician. I had an appointment with the LC the next day and while I will not focus on that visit in this post I will say that it was one of the most traumatic days I have had as a new mom. The LC tried to use scare tactics to get me to give my son formula or supplement with a bottle. I sat in a room with nine other moms, more than half of which were supplementing with formula or breast milk in a bottle. While I am not disagreeing that some babies do need supplementation I was not convinced that my baby needed supplementation. I was convinced that he needed more time. Just like all babies are not born on their due dates, not all babies hit their birth weight at two weeks. I as his mom throughout all of this felt a calming presence I had never felt before that my baby was fine and that he would figure out breastfeeding and gain weight in no time. He was gaining weight and had lost alot of weight in the first few days so naturally it was taking a little extra time. Thankfully my pediatrician agreed and told me that I didn't need to supplement (which I had declined from the LC-thankfully!)
From this experience I discovered my intuition, my Motherly Intuition. Against all of the experts (except my pediatrician), I knew that my baby was ok. As his mother I would not put him in harms way or do something that was not good for him and allowing him a little more time to breastfeed was just what he needed.
I am so upset when I think of the LC and the horrible advice but I am also so grateful for that day because I consider it my defining day.