When I was pregnant with my son I felt like my pregnancy, especially the first trimester, was racked with lots of anxiety and fear, namely the fear of miscarriage. This fear was mostly due to the fact that two months before becoming pregnant with my son I did experience a miscarriage. Like many women who have experienced a pregnancy loss I had lost my "Pregnancy Innocence." During this second pregnancy I often found it hard to hone in on my own instincts about what was right and whether or not something was wrong. I often heard mothers say, you will know when something is wrong, but I couldn't relate. I felt racked with anxiety and fear. I found that I was prohibiting myself from trusting my own womanly instincts, my new motherly instincts. I had made several decisions that I felt comfortable with. I had decided to birth all naturally and also decided that I was going to have my son at home. I had no fears about childbirth but the pregnancy I just couldn't stop second guessing if everything was ok.
After my son was born I felt amazingly connected and knew that I was the one that he needed to protect and guide him. His first two weeks of life were pretty uneventful. He did have a hard time breastfeeding and latching on but other than that he was extremely happy and healthy. At two weeks my midwife came and weighed him and discovered that while he was gaining weight he had not regained his birth weight. My Midwife is required by law to refer me to my son's pediatrician. She also referred me to a local lactation consultant (LC). My midwife was quite concerned, which naturally I think would make most new mothers concerned especially a first time mom, but I was not. I agreed to go to the LC and to set up an appointment with his pediatrician. I had an appointment with the LC the next day and while I will not focus on that visit in this post I will say that it was one of the most traumatic days I have had as a new mom. The LC tried to use scare tactics to get me to give my son formula or supplement with a bottle. I sat in a room with nine other moms, more than half of which were supplementing with formula or breast milk in a bottle. While I am not disagreeing that some babies do need supplementation I was not convinced that my baby needed supplementation. I was convinced that he needed more time. Just like all babies are not born on their due dates, not all babies hit their birth weight at two weeks. I as his mom throughout all of this felt a calming presence I had never felt before that my baby was fine and that he would figure out breastfeeding and gain weight in no time. He was gaining weight and had lost alot of weight in the first few days so naturally it was taking a little extra time. Thankfully my pediatrician agreed and told me that I didn't need to supplement (which I had declined from the LC-thankfully!)
From this experience I discovered my intuition, my Motherly Intuition. Against all of the experts (except my pediatrician), I knew that my baby was ok. As his mother I would not put him in harms way or do something that was not good for him and allowing him a little more time to breastfeed was just what he needed.
I am so upset when I think of the LC and the horrible advice but I am also so grateful for that day because I consider it my defining day.
